Privacy

Boy this is a hard topic for me. I think what makes it difficult is that Doreen and I come to it from different angles and life experiences. I am much more of a private person than my wife is... to her life should be an open book. Unfortunately I was not brought up that way. In my first marriage my former wife and I did have things which were open but things which were private as well. For example, my ex and I had an account for which we tried to pay the household expenses and had our own accounts for things like our car payments, our cash for the week etc. I did not go looking into her accounts and she did the same for me. And I am not saying that is perfect either since I am pretty sure my first wife cheated on me. It is hard for someone who is so consistent as myself (a high 's' personality) to change. For that I am truly sorry honey. We were much more private in our dealings. Some of that is unhealthy I know... feelings at times were kept in which was not good.

I know it makes it hard on Doreen because she thinks I am trying to leave a double life... maybe have an affair outside of our marriage or something like that. (Honey if I am wrong about this, I apologize - I am just making an assumption on my part). I am sorry about that Doreen, it is just hard after 40 years to change the way I know what I have been doing for all that time.

I had opened a Twitter account just as a quick place to put feelings that I needed to get out of me but wanted private. I know that hurt Doreen because she thinks I am hiding stuff and it really is not that. I just needed a place so I could quickly jot down how I was feeling at a certain time... kind of a therapy if you know what I mean. I guess you could say it was kind of a virtual journal or diary. Twitter was probably in hindsight not the best place to do this.

While driving to pick up my daughter I realized how insensitive it was of me to do what I did. I was just trying to get out how I was feeling at times without hurting my wife which in the end is exactly what I did. For that I am truly sorry honey.

I am not trying to get an affair, live a double life or even be an asshole. I know it is hard for you to understand that and I wish there was a way that I could make you understand that. I don't think I can because I will never be able to make the words right without hurting you. And that is just because we come from different perspectives and life experiences. But I do want to apologize for being so insensitive.

Lord Help Me

Today is not an easy day. My wife's uncle has been just diagnosed with cancer. Doreen is a nurse so she knows the chances are survival are not so good. So she and her mom went to be with Doreen's aunt. Since Dorie is a nurse it would be good to play as medical speak to English translator. I stayed here at home which I don't think my Mother-in-law appreciated. I thought I could do some things here which would make it easier and help them focus on being their for Dorie Sue's aunt. So today I have done about six loads of laundry, dusted and vacuumed our bedroom and cleaned up in our bathroom. I also prepared my daughter's and my lunches for the week. In a way it feels good that I could help out in this way and I know at least my wife will appreciate it.

So why am I here with a stress headache? Well I fear my Mother-in-law will give me hell for doing what I did in our bedroom and bathroom. It just seems like almost every time I try to make and effort or do something nice around the house it ends up backfiring on me with her and that is so frustrating. If anyone wonders why Doreen and I do not make more of an effort to do stuff it is just that.

I could understand if she would say I appreciate you making an effort but would prefer ... fill in the blank. However that never seems to happen. It almost always ends up in a temper tantrum and I really get tired of those and I fear that is what is going to happen when they get home.

Doreen I am sorry if what I thought I was doing was wrong and causes some trouble here at home. I just feared that I would be in the way if I went with you and I could do some stuff here to help out and allow your mom and you to focus on your aunt and uncle. If you are mad at me I am sorry. I will still love you no matter what.