Dear Taylor

Dear Taylor,

I have felt a great burden by GOD today to say some things to you.    First of all with all that is going on in your life right now I want you to know that your Meme and Papa love you to no end.    I also want you to know that even though I don't always show it that I love you pumpkin and pray for you.    I know how tough it is to be picked on and bullied as a kid.   I went through it right through high school.    Even though your Mom and I don't see eye-to-eye on everything,  I know she loves you to.

Just as important know that GOD loves you, Tay.    He wants you to "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28).    Let HIM fight your battles for you... he loves you so much he gave his only SON for you.    Don't feel that you are alone... for  "The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit."   (Psalms 34:18)

Tay have faith that GOD will help you get through this tough time in your life.     

Your grandparents and I love you and we will pray for you.

Love,


Dad

And So It Goes...

Wow six years since I have written and entry in this blog.    Six whole years. 

Here is what has happened in six years....

        - I have been working for the last six years for an IT service provider in Rutland, VT.
        - Taylor is now a Junior in High School and living with her mother...  the verbal abuse from her step-grandmother was just too much for her and I can't blame her for that.
        - My parents and I did not speak to each other for a year because of Taylor... I am happy to report that we have reconciled. 
        - I moved out about 2 1/2 years ago.    The verbal abuse from Doreen's mother and not being a priority in the marriage was just too much.     Doreen and I tried to make it work as a long distance marriage and at times it did but in the end it just did not. 


Today I received divorce papers from Doreen's attorney.   The interesting thing is while I am disappointed we could not make it work I am not saddened by it.    It closes seven tough years where my faith was tested,  my relationship with my daughter damaged and my hair a lot grayer.    I am not saying I am without fault it does take two to tango (bad analogy since I can't dance if my life depended on it.)    I guess I am saying I am at peace with it.    We had a post nuptual agreement and it looks like she wants to abide by it which I am wholly fine with. 

Doreen I am truly sorry we could not make it work.   But as Abba says 'Knowing me knowing you is the best I can do...'     We both made choices that hurt our marriage and  I am sorry for mine.   I just wanted a happy marriage for the two of us and I guess that was too much to ask....

I know God has great things in store for me and more victories will come my way.    It is time for me to put her and her mother under my feet and let God deal with them and that is just what I am going to do.

Disappointment

Recently my wonderful wife had to have her gall bladder removed.    It has been a very stressful time for me... much more than I had anticipated.   My first wife went through the same procedure only two months after my daughter was born.   So I figured I knew what to expect and did not think this would hit me so hard.    I was so worried about losing about the only good thing I have in my life right now. 

I think what I have realized more is how much of a disappointment I am to Doreen.   I have been out of work now for about two months and while I have a job I am very interested in, it is not a sure thing.   There are some things from marriage number one which still are affecting me now and that is tough.   I let my first wife do some things which have killed my credit.   I am so angry at myself for allowing that to happen mainly because I thought it would keep myself and my first wife married.   Well, it didn't and we were divorced in 2006.  

But there are other things which have made me realize how much of a disappointment I am.   Like yesterday I was hanging her purse in the hall closet and somehow while doing that three coat hangers fell off the rack.    Then when I tried to put her cell phone on the charger, the charger became unplugged.   When I looked at my wife I could see her displeasure in me.   I know I am clumsy...  I was coded as having fine motor coordination problems while in elementary school.   It is not like I am trying to fumble around... sometime it just happens. 

I am sorry Doreen that I am a disappointment to you and can only try to do better...   I just want you to know I love you and I am sorry.

Privacy

Boy this is a hard topic for me. I think what makes it difficult is that Doreen and I come to it from different angles and life experiences. I am much more of a private person than my wife is... to her life should be an open book. Unfortunately I was not brought up that way. In my first marriage my former wife and I did have things which were open but things which were private as well. For example, my ex and I had an account for which we tried to pay the household expenses and had our own accounts for things like our car payments, our cash for the week etc. I did not go looking into her accounts and she did the same for me. And I am not saying that is perfect either since I am pretty sure my first wife cheated on me. It is hard for someone who is so consistent as myself (a high 's' personality) to change. For that I am truly sorry honey. We were much more private in our dealings. Some of that is unhealthy I know... feelings at times were kept in which was not good.

I know it makes it hard on Doreen because she thinks I am trying to leave a double life... maybe have an affair outside of our marriage or something like that. (Honey if I am wrong about this, I apologize - I am just making an assumption on my part). I am sorry about that Doreen, it is just hard after 40 years to change the way I know what I have been doing for all that time.

I had opened a Twitter account just as a quick place to put feelings that I needed to get out of me but wanted private. I know that hurt Doreen because she thinks I am hiding stuff and it really is not that. I just needed a place so I could quickly jot down how I was feeling at a certain time... kind of a therapy if you know what I mean. I guess you could say it was kind of a virtual journal or diary. Twitter was probably in hindsight not the best place to do this.

While driving to pick up my daughter I realized how insensitive it was of me to do what I did. I was just trying to get out how I was feeling at times without hurting my wife which in the end is exactly what I did. For that I am truly sorry honey.

I am not trying to get an affair, live a double life or even be an asshole. I know it is hard for you to understand that and I wish there was a way that I could make you understand that. I don't think I can because I will never be able to make the words right without hurting you. And that is just because we come from different perspectives and life experiences. But I do want to apologize for being so insensitive.

Lord Help Me

Today is not an easy day. My wife's uncle has been just diagnosed with cancer. Doreen is a nurse so she knows the chances are survival are not so good. So she and her mom went to be with Doreen's aunt. Since Dorie is a nurse it would be good to play as medical speak to English translator. I stayed here at home which I don't think my Mother-in-law appreciated. I thought I could do some things here which would make it easier and help them focus on being their for Dorie Sue's aunt. So today I have done about six loads of laundry, dusted and vacuumed our bedroom and cleaned up in our bathroom. I also prepared my daughter's and my lunches for the week. In a way it feels good that I could help out in this way and I know at least my wife will appreciate it.

So why am I here with a stress headache? Well I fear my Mother-in-law will give me hell for doing what I did in our bedroom and bathroom. It just seems like almost every time I try to make and effort or do something nice around the house it ends up backfiring on me with her and that is so frustrating. If anyone wonders why Doreen and I do not make more of an effort to do stuff it is just that.

I could understand if she would say I appreciate you making an effort but would prefer ... fill in the blank. However that never seems to happen. It almost always ends up in a temper tantrum and I really get tired of those and I fear that is what is going to happen when they get home.

Doreen I am sorry if what I thought I was doing was wrong and causes some trouble here at home. I just feared that I would be in the way if I went with you and I could do some stuff here to help out and allow your mom and you to focus on your aunt and uncle. If you are mad at me I am sorry. I will still love you no matter what.

A Tough Day

Today was one of those days... leave it to be in January. I had not heard from my wife at all today... until about 4:00. She had slid her car into a snowbank (gratefully no one was hurt) and maybe a little dent in the bumper. Me I am still at work... should have left an hour ago. There are problems with the usually reliable voice picking system. I am going to have to reboot a server tonight in about 15 minutes. I can't communicate with it at all. Then I have to make sure the voice units can connect to it. If I am lucky I will be out of here by 7:30. It is now6:45.

It is days like these I think my job is too hard on my family. Doreen and Taylor I am truly sorry for that. I can say it is because of the line of work I do but I still think there is no excuse. I hope you both can forgive me. I love you both.

A Nice Holiday

We had a nice Christmas at the Curtis/Chase household. As my wife stated in her blog, our 10 year-old daughter Taylor made off like a bandit, receiving Nintendo DS games, CD's, Videos, and a Baby Alive doll she has wanted for a couple of years. My wife was surprised with a digial camera, a Taylor Swift CD, and Bones Season 3 DVD. I received a Deal or No Deal DVD and a gift card from my wife.

I think the best Christmas gift is how recently we have pulled together as a family. We lost power a few weeks ago due to a bad ice storm and really worked together to get through it. The same thing happened after a snowstorm without any snow blower. And during that snowstorm my car had the unfortunateness of breaking a timing belt and taking the vaulves with it. So it needs new heads and a new timing belt. We have pulled toghether and worked as a family to make sure all of us can go where we need to this coming week while Kermit is being fixed at the dealer.

I think of all the Christmas gifts I could have recieved... the love from Taylor and Dorie Sue is the greatest gift I could receive. I love you both....